It’s been a long time since I last uploaded a mental health post to my blog. I guess the reason for my constant withholding of posts about my anxiety is that this year, I’ve found it hard to actually type and upload my thoughts online in fear of getting bullied. If you’ve been following my blog and other social medias for a while now, you will have noticed that I am no longer a student at my FE College and now in University as an undergraduate. This life change means new people, new surroundings and a bunch of things to feel to worried about. My degree major is in Creative Writing and every week, we all have to write a new short story which then gets critiqued by other students in the class. I was so scared last Tuesday that I made the decision to pull my short story. You can imagine how disappointed in myself after I got home. The same short story then got feedback on Thursday last week and… it was mainly positive. Deep down, I knew that if my writing wasn’t strong enough or I wasn’t able to share my work, I most likely would have chosen to major in something else (English Literature or Computing). But for now, it is baby steps!
University is such a huge step away from school and college life. The campus I study at is rural and right in the heart of the countryside. It’s a strange feeling since my home is actually a twenty minute drive-away and the University I study at is my nearest one. I do feel that when I’m on campus, I’m hundreds of miles away and I kind of like that, since you feel more independent. But at the same time, if you are having a bad Anxiety day and need to be surrounded by things that make you happy (books, cat, boyfriend) then having your family nearby is a good thing. I take a shuttle bus to my campus which has saved me time and money. The shuttle bus does get busy at peak times but, it’s not as severe as the current public transport crisis in my home city.
As part of my degree, I got the chance to take up a new Computing class which is interesting and will be designing a creative portfolio. I’m aiming for at least a 2:2 grade since my mental health (Anxiety, Depression, Social Anxiety, Seasonal Affective Disorder) might flair up unexpectedly. Same goes for my overall degree grade, I’m aiming for a 2:2 since I don’t want to pressure myself and be at a huge risk of having a mental breakdown. Having just 8-9 contact hours a week, working alone has helped get more things done as well as start some new projects. I’m planning my novel for Nanowrimo which is currently slow going, but excited to try something new. I’ve also been cooking together more with my boyfriend and trying to combat my fear of ovens and flames. Some of my new classmates have part-time jobs, my decision was not to have a job at this time since again, I didn’t want my mental health to flair up.
My University offers a lot of well-being and mental health services which I’m definitely going to try and invest in. It is really nerve-wracking opening up to more people on campus, since I don’t want them to say nasty things about me. The lack of support and understanding has sadly happened to me a lot within the last five years. I knew in my heart of hearts that I did want to give a degree a try. And so far, I’ve been going to lectures and workshops and not really been interested in social activities such as parties or groups. I need to give things a try for me alone. Maybe in 2nd year, I might get more involved. But for now, my focus has been sorely on coursework.
That concludes this post, thank you so much for reading! If you are at University, share your experiences in the comments section below. See you all soon!