Where I Am Now

October 10th 2017 is World Mental Health Day, on this day, I would like to share to you all about the last twelve months of my existence on planet Earth and going from rock bottom to now fairly alright but not practically perfect thoughts and feelings. At this time last year, I was a eighteen year old faced with a very difficult choice: Drop out of education and have no back-up plans or stay in full-time classes quietly struggling with mental health issues. The first term was only halfway in but the steps I took made me realise that something wasn’t quite right. Faced with dropping out and leaving quietly or being kicked off the course, the decision to walk away was an extremely hard and painful one to make. Almost immediately, I lost friends, I lost my trust in people and furthermore, I had lost me. Being cut off with no support, this resulted in drastic measures to try and at least use social media to talk to people, alone, afraid, it was a very dark time.

I kept myself to myself and eventually, I did start to go out again having good times and not so good ones. Falling into contact with people I shouldn’t really have started talking to in the first place. In March of this year, I started volunteering for a local charity in one of their shops. Even though I enjoyed things at first, my passion for things already broken by dropping out of education caused me to walk away, citing it as being too stressful.

Getting a place on a new course was something of an accomplishment but I knew things weren’t going to be plain sailing. As of right now, I do have off days where my joints ache or all of a sudden during lessons, I feel depressed. I still spend most of my time alone at home or in College, my social anxiety and shyness still holding me back from having a good time. It’s always going to be in the back of my mind that I might not get through the year or end up going to University straight away. It’s really sad when people tell you that because you have an Anxiety disorder, you don’t deserve to go to University.

I do have a few options open to me currently at the moment such as having therapy sessions again which I am keeping in mind. What I will say is that writing really helps me to open up about my thoughts and letting my imagination run free. My boyfriend puts up with my awkwardness but just having a little cuddle with him honestly makes my day.

Most of the time, I do feel this pressure to be perfect and tell myself that if I’m not social or haven’t done all of the planned revision for classes, then I hate myself for it for days on end. Take this weekend for example, I just slept most of the time when I wasn’t at the festival and was fairly cross with myself about that.

Rounding off this post now by saying please try writing things down if you don’t feel able to talk to someone. Keep a diary or even write a monologue about the day’s events so then you can show to someone you trust.

Stay safe, thanks for reading.

Alice.

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