Hello everyone, it’s Alice here with I feel what would be a long blog post but I feel that this is important to write it and publish. I need to get some things off of my chest but on trying to talk about it, I feel it doesn’t truly reflect my overall love and passion for something which kept me going during the roughest days of the last year or so. My biggest fear is turning into some sort of bore but please understand that the only way that I can express myself without the fear of so called “book haters” judging me purely on what has changed my life forever.
This time last year, I was seventeen on a BTEC hoping to try and find what I was good at, school in general was very rough for me. I needed a change and tried to stand out from the crowd without being too wacky. Although my social life did improve somewhat twelve months ago, I was left feeling broken when things simply weren’t working out. On that course, I just felt blended, not stood out from the crowd. I had to “like” and be into things that I simply wasn’t into. The course was incredibly technical and preferred rather the academic side of things.
In January this year, a relationship with a guy broke down and that was all due to my hobbies from the past. By now, I was getting addicted to YouTube watching vloggers talk about what books they had received from publishers and what really working for a publishers was like. I was addicted, hooked, and left feeling determined to try and get in on the act.
I went from just 60 people following me on Goodreads in the New Year to now just under 1,600 people following me. Word spread about this blog, I literally had no idea that my book reviewing would blow up online. Added to publishers mailing lists, contacted by authors, winning competitions, meeting up with other vloggers/bloggers, being top 40 in the UK on Goodreads at one point. To be perfectly honest, I’ve never felt good at anything yet alone feeling proud of things. I won awards at school but I never felt proud. I once said to a teacher “It’s a mistake, you’ve given that to the wrong person.” I never fully grasped how awards actually worked. In year 5, I won a special school award but instead of feeling proud, I got very upset because I hated being the centre of attention. I still do hate that feeling.
Why am I choosing now to write this blog post? Well, I’m typing this off the back of a crying fit because for the first time in my life, I realised that I was good at something. Not having the vocal support of everyone was expected but where I am currently, things aren’t working out, that love of books is in serious danger of being damaged. I’m still a student but finding out yesterday that I wasn’t good enough where I am, I’m back to the mindset of never being good at anything.
Everyone worries about me, I’m a complicated person but have always received that same bit of advice “Find something that changes your life.” On turning 18 this July, becoming an adult has given me a different outlook on growing up and taking control of things. I feel very much independent, choosing what career path in life for me overall has been a long road but my heart now since my book blogging success is now books. If it wasn’t for books, I would still be that person trying to fit into things I simply had no passion or desire for. To those who have supported me in this journey, family, friends, bloggers, Goodreads followers, my life has changed since being part of this close-knit community. I’ve loved every single second of it.
If I was left alone to build up my book portfolio, attending events and festivals, improving own creative writing in preparation for University, attending academic talks, I don’t think anything else would make me feel happier, as my blog title suggests I am married to books and wouldn’t ever change that. For once in my life, I’ve found me and would love to seize onto every moment and treasure it. ❤
Also, shout-out to that guy I mentioned earlier, bet you kick yourself now that I stayed true to myself. 😉